Oh… the tabloids are just boiling with rumors about Tiger Woods. If you take all the worst rumors and accept them as true, here’s what’s going on:
Tiger has been having a steamy affair with a hot New York socialite who has followed him to Australia to be with him. Of course Tiger’s wife Elin just gave birth to their second kid about nine months ago, so she’s sitting home reading about this in the tabloids…
Sometime after Thanksgiving dinner, around 2:30 am, they got into a heated argument, Elin scratched his face up, whereupon Tiger fled from the house with Elin in hot pursuit with a golf club. At some point the club made contact with Tiger’s cranium, knocking him a bit loopy, but not too loopy to get into his Cadillac, but too loopy to drive it, whereupon Tiger backed into a fire hydrant while Elin smashed in the back window and a side window, and then crashed into a neighbor’s tree. At some point Elin managed to gain control of herself, realized that Tiger was actually hurt and called 911.
By the time the police and ambulance got there, Tiger was in and out of consciousness, a state consistent with suffering a concussion.
Now we don’t know what really happened, and I’m inclined to give Tiger the benefit of the doubt but it is a very strange story. The “official” story Tiger told the police about Elin breaking out the back window of the Cadillac with a golf club to get Tiger out of the car is rather comically implausible, which just leads to more speculation.
Tiger has withdrawn from his own tournament next weekend. I doubt we’ll ever hear what actually happened, but I have to admit, the vision of an enraged Nordic supermodel chasing Tiger Woods out of the house with a 3 wood is alarming, but has an element of humor in it.
The best joke I’ve heard from this so far is “What’s the difference between a Cadiallac and a Wedge? Tiger Woods can back up a wedge.”