So this year I turn 50. I keep in touch with some of my high school friends and since I am the youngest of them, I’ve been watching them hit the big 5-0 one after another over the past year. My birthday is still almost five months away, so I’ve still got some time to enjoy the “40s” still.
Yesterday I got a call that one of my cousins passed away last week. As readers of this blog know, the last few years have been tough on the Cosmic family when it comes to family members passing away. But there is something about losing a cousin, especially one that I used to watch working on cars with my older brothers.
For most of my adult life I have been in jobs that I enjoyed thoroughly, even when they were very difficult. I love programming and I spent a good part of my career either as a programmer or as a programmer/manager (sort of like a “player/manager” in baseball, lol). Even when I moved in to full management of programmers I still managed to keep an active role in the process of creating software and getting it deployed to end users who benefited from it.
For the past year and a half I’ve been in a different role, one where I don’t manage a software development team or develop software myself. It’s a good role, and an important one, and it is temporary, meaning I’ll be put back into a more typical and comfortable role when this program is over later this year. But right now at this moment I am having to work to do work, if that makes sense, and that’s not something I’m used to. In more than 30 years of holding a job I’ve almost always enjoyed my work, even when the political environment was tough. But right now the work I’m doing isn’t in my direct area of interest and the political environment is very tough, so I have to actually psyche myself up sometimes just to get enough energy to get some important things done.
And as the stress ramps up, the “life is too short” impulses get stronger.
I’ve always considered myself immune from the “mid life crisis” thing. I don’t see myself buying a sports car, or quitting my job to travel Europe, or adopting an expensive and pointless hobby (I have enough of those already). And I can’t see myself chasing after other women since I’m pretty blessed with the one I have.
But this moment in my life is definitely making me think that life is too short to dread going to work even if it’s only a couple days a week. For the first time in my life I am actually understanding things I’ve heard people say about how much they hated work. I used to sort of shake my head and say “well, QUIT then.” But it’s not really that easy is it, especially with one kid in college and another in high school…
Oh well, by the time I hit 50, I should be out of this particular role at work and back in my preferred role. But right now I have to say, I can see the temptation to chuck everything and take a month long hike on the Appalachian trail.
12 users commented in " Mortality, the big 5-0, and mid-life crises "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackRemember the truism: “The only reward for hard work is more work.”
Unless the job/position/whatever itself is temporary, if you do too good of a job at it, the possibility arises that you’ll experience the above first-hand.
Let me know when you leave for the Appalachian Trail…
Cosmic, without waxing philosophical (and proving my philosophical shallowness), I know what you mean.
Not that I am experiencing the same thing myself right now. But I do understand. I went through the same dissatisfaction with my job several years ago…I was about 40. It took all of the mustard I could squeeze from the bottle just to go do it every day.
And it certainly was not easy to “just quit” with 4 kids still depending on me.
It’s interesting that you posted this. Over the last few weeks, I have found myself waking up every morning with those “mortality/turning 50″ thoughts. I will hit the bigun’ before you do. In fact, I was talking to Pam this morning about this very thing.
Nothing deep…just “I remember when my Granddaddy turned 50. I was a little kid, and I said to him ’50??? That’s half a hundred’.” And, “Gosh, I remember Daddy’s 50th birthday party. It just seems like a couple of years ago.” etc… Basically just noting how quickly time has passed.
I know that every 5-0, or about to be, knows what I’m talking about.
I’ve known a lot of guys that have had a midlife crisis. And I never really saw myself as a guy that could…or would even want to do some selfish something that would harm my family. But it is not out of the question.
I learned a long time ago that most guys that DO have one, never imagined that they would. So, I stay on guard, and look for signs of dissatisfaction in my life…and try to handle them pretty quickly.
I am pretty sure that I will never have an affair, or do the “red convertible thing.” I’m an old fart (just ask Dadman).
Of course, being ugly and broke helps…
I haven’t enjoyed my job for a long time. I make the best of it because it provides well for my family and, while a change MIGHT prove positive for me, a change could negatively disrupt the good situation my wife and kids presently have with school, friends, activities, etc.
When it comes to the welfare of my family I am risk averse. Even if it means I have to toil away in a job role in which I’ve lost (most) interest. I compensate by doing more things outside of work that are interesting and satisfying…or by self-acknowledging the good things that have accured to my family as a result of sticking with something I would prefer not doing if I were completely unencumbered.
However, as my kids get older, finish college, get married, etc. I’m beginning to see more options come into focus. Options that might be a little more self-focused and a little less family focused. Who knows what a post-Intel, post-rugrat world will look like, but it’s exciting to think about…
Just a thought (from one who just turned 5-0):
We are all living on borrowed time whether we be an infant, 3-0, 5-0, or 9-0. Enjoy the day and, as James Taylor so eloquently put it, shower the people you love with love. Or just tell them so…
You make a good point Dadman. My beloved Granddaddy died at 68. My favorite Great Uncle died at 72. My favorite Grandma died at 82. My favorite Great Grandmother died at 104.
They were all VERY different. But they have ONE thing in common…I can’t hug any of them now.
We have lost classmates already. I know you’ll remember Denise Bennett, and Bart’s sis Tammy. Gone in their 20′s/30′s. And I’m sure we all have friends that have lost children in their teens, or younger.
Life truly is fragile. As I get older, I think about that more and more. I actually think sometimes, “Hey! I could wake up dead tomorrow,” or “just one wrong move next to this 18-wheeler, and I am leaving a good-looking widow.”
I have not lost a parent. I know that you, and Cosmic, and Drax have. And I can tell you that I truly dread that day. I really do. I often hope that I croak before my parents do.
And I know that it is a selfish hope! I have seen too many parents go through the sorrow of burying their children…it’s supposed to be the other way around.
Aw crud…I have no idea why I’m rambling on. Danged Cosmic! He’s supposed to post junk about planets, and stars, and how Obama sucks…
Oh, btw Cosmic…I am sorry about the death of your cousin. I know that you, and others will miss him. I know it’s a lame note of sympathy. But I really mean it.
Yep, Andy, I’ve already outlived my mom. She died at the age of 47. Makes me sad. She’s missed so much…
My oldest brother passed away a bit younger than that. Life is indeed fragile. Well, individual lives are fragile, but life overall is incredibly robust. But of course it is individuals that we care most about.
I’m hoping I might live on in some way…you know like the Blob…
If you ever want to get into racing motocross, CC we have a ‘Super-Senior’ class for age 50+ riders.
Well, if I thought I qualified as “super”.
Is there a “Mediocre-Senior” class?
CC:
It’s time for you to start researching Harley Davidson motorcycles. At 5-0, you become of age to buy one. You might consider a scooter! I have both!!! As you may have heard only a motorcycle/scooter owner understands why a dog likes to hang his head out a car window!!!
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